Good enough

The question was recently posed in an online group that I'm apart of, "how do you balance it all?" You know, the cooking the cleaning, the "me" time. Well, motherhood is a little bit like walking a balance beam, except you have one leg, and you're blindfolded, and your arms are tied behind your back. Oh yeah, and this is the OLYMPICS, so all eyes are on you and the pressure is on to do it right.

Seriously though, isn't that what motherhood feels like? Trying to do it right with lots of things going against you? You feel like you are in the spotlight and you're expect to do it all.

But maybe this is where we go wrong. The pressure, that is. You know that feeling when you are trying to do something just perfect and you're nervous? Hands shaking. Butterflies in your tummy. And you mess up. Why? Because you were trying too hard! You have put so much pressure on yourself that you're a nervous wreck. And you fail....

We pressure ourselves as moms (and wives) to do it all. The house must be spotless, each child must have had an equal amount of personal attention, cookies must be in the oven, dinner on the table and then we still have to have time to volunteer at the school and go to the spa with "the girls."

Really? I could clone myself and still not get my to-do list done everyday. And guess what? That's okay! Somedays I come pretty close to "having it all." But most days if I feel accomplished in one area, it's because I've let another one go. Sure I've played board games with the kids all day, but my house is such a wreck you probably need a tetanus shot just to walk through the front door.

So repeat after me, "good enough." Yep, it's that simple. No, I didn't get the bathroom Martha Stewart clean today, but I scraped the toothpaste off the mirror and rinsed the ring out of the bathtub. "Good enough." I didn't have time to make a gourmet dinner, but that simple chicken and rice really hit the spot. "Good enough." I didn't get to the spa today, but I caught up with an old friend on the telephone. "Good enough." Oh, and helping out at the school consisted of sending in a bag of Oreos, instead of staying up all night making perfectly decorated cupcakes. "Good enough." Seriously, Martha Stewart tried that whole perfect homemaker thing and look where it got HER!

And tonight as my head hits the pillow, I don't feel as guilty as when I was trying to walk that balance beam and just couldn't do it. My kids are tucked in bed and they are happy. My hubby doesn't have a stressed out wife. I don't feel like a frazzled, train wreck of a person. No, tonight as I lay my head down, on my pillowcase (that I forgot to wash), I say to myself "good enough."

Mommy's day at the spa

What woman doesn't enjoy a day at the spa, right? Massages, facials, hair treatments, I could go on and on. But after kids those days can be a thing of the past or at least a rare treat. I'm an optismist though and realize that most days I have my own version of the spa right here at home. I have five kids and throughout the day they seem to give me plenty of "spa time" whether I want it or not.

Take for instance that pricey hot stone foot massage. I have a cheap version of that everytime my toddler takes off and I chase him across the gravel driveway in my bare feet. A mud mask is another option with said toddler. Showing off his new found throwing skills, he reaches the end of the muddy drive and chucks a handful my way. Nice shot buddy! A nice, steamy facial? As I slave over yet another sink full of dish, my makeup drips off and my pores open up. Optimism, remember? Who needs that professional manicure? As I sit nervously at my son's spelling bee or anxiously await a phone call from the doctor, I can bite my nails into perfect shape. Seriously, I could put a manicurist to shame.

A good hair mask from the spa leaves your hair shiny and vibrant. At my house I get the occasional unplanned hair mask. Daddy thinks it's funny to play rough with the baby right after a feeding and hands him to mommy. Well, I think you know where this is headed. I have to say that though baby vomit may not smell as good as the spa stuff, it definitely adds some shine!

What about those salt scrubs? Now those are a treat! The closest I come these days is running out in my sleep shorts to get the trash to the curb before the garbage truck comes, slipping on the ice and sliding down the sidewalk that was just freshly salted. Ah, just like the spa......well, almost.

But my favorite is always a good back massage. I mean really nothing beats a good massage. When my six year old wakes up in the car after her nap was cut short, here comes the back massage. As she angrily kicks the back of my carseat, I grip the steering wheel a little tighter and pretend I'm enjoying a professional massage, as she rages on.

I love being a mom more than anything, but sometimes I miss those pre-kid luxuries. Why let motherhood take away those little pleasures like a day at the spa? Just slip on your rose-colored glasses and you can have a spa day, too!

Welcome to Holland

This is an amazing description of how I feel and I wish I could take credit for it!! I'm glad to say that I think I've already "graduated" to part two. I think this not only describes parents of special needs kids, but anyone who's life has taken an unexpected journey.

"Welcome to Holland" By Emily Perl Kingsley, 1987

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away...because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss. But...if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Welcome to Holland (Part 2)" by Anonymous

I have been in Holland for over a decade now. It has become home. I have had time to catch my breath, to settle and adjust, to accept something different than I'd planned.

I reflect back on those years of past when I had first landed in Holland. I remember clearly my shock, my fear, my anger—the pain and uncertainty. In those first few years, I tried to get back to Italy as planned, but Holland was where I was to stay.

Today, I can say how far I have come on this unexpected journey. I have learned so much more. But, this too has been a journey of time. I worked hard. I bought new guidebooks. I learned a new language and I slowly found my way around this new land.

I have met others whose plans had changed like mine, and who could share my experience. We supported one another and some have become very special friends. Some of these fellow travelers had been in Holland longer than I and were seasoned guides, assisting me along the way. Many have encouraged me. Many have taught me to open my eyes to the wonder and gifts to behold in this new land. I have discovered a community of caring. Holland wasn't so bad.

I think that Holland is used to wayward travelers like me and grew to become a land of hospitality, reaching out to welcome, to assist and to support newcomers like me in this new land. Over the years, I've wondered what life would have been like if I'd landed in Italy as planned. Would life have been easier? Would it have been as rewarding? Would I have learned some of the important lessons I hold today?

Sure, this journey has been more challenging and at times I would (and still do) stomp my feet and cry out in frustration and protest. And, yes, Holland is slower paced than Italy and less flashy than Italy, but this too has been an unexpected gift.

I have learned to slow down in ways too and look closer at things, with a new appreciation for the remarkable beauty of Holland with its' tulips, windmills and Rembrandts.

I have come to love Holland and call it Home.

I have become a world traveler and discovered that it doesn't matter where you land. What's more important is what you make of your journey and how you see and enjoy the very special, the very lovely, things that Holland, or any land, has to offer.

Yes, over a decade ago I landed in a place I hadn't planned. Yet I am thankful, for this destination has been richer than I could have imagined!

　

No Rain, No Rainbows

This month marks one year since we were given Spencer's diagnosis. If you would have asked me a year ago where I'd be today, I honestly couldn't have given you an answer. But I know this, I am amazed at how far I've come and that I'm not just okay, I've found an incredible joy throughout this experience. I've matured in ways I could have never imagine, found what's really important in life and learned that life's short (no pun intended.) I've have found a truly spiritual meaning in the saying, "no rain, no rainbows."

I've taken some time to read back over emails I sent around this time a year ago and read the journal I kept in the early weeks. Don't get me wrong it was tough, but even then I had a sense of peace beneath it all.

When I went through my prenatal records and Spencer's birth records, I was angry to find out that his diagnosis was so obvious and yet everyone missed it. I looked for someone to blame and any anger I had was pretty much directed at the medical profession. Over the last year, after hearing the emotional roller coaster so many other families had because they were given the diagnosis prenatally or at birth, has made me realize we were truly given a gift in some ways. By the time we found out about Spencer's condition we had already fallen deeply in love with him and discovered his dwarfism didn't have to define him in a negative way.

The day we were given Spencer's diagnosis though I was up and I was down. I cried and cried some more and that night I didn't sleep much. I got up in the wee hours of the morning and held Spencer. As we sat in our big picture window, the light streamed in and I saw Spence look at me and smile. Yep, still the same old Spence. He was going to be okay and so was I.

Just a few weeks later, we were headed to our first appointment with the Skeletal Dysplasia clinic and ready to get some concrete answers. But we never made it to that appointment. When we arrived at the hospital, we found Spencer lifeless in his carseat. We would later learn he had had a central apnic episode and it nearly took his life. Bam! We were thrown into the not so fun side of dwarfism, the medical complications. Spencer had neurosurgery a few days later and we went through another roller coaster of emotions.

The year went on and so did the rest of our lives. The four other kids were keeping us busy and Spencer's appointments filled in any spare time we had. Somewhere in all of the chaos though I changed. I relaxed, I matured, I loved deeper, I let things go, like unnecessary housework and grudges, I found a confidence in myself like never before and I think I became a better wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter and person.

In all honesty, I don't care Spencer has dwarfism. Really I don't. I feel bad for the struggles and hurts that he'll face in life, but I know I wouldn't be the person I am today without him. And I'm not sure I would have reached the incredible level of joy in my life that I now experience.

I feel like I haven't done justice writing about our experience the last year, but it's hard to describe the changes that have taken place in us, the growth and the peace we have about it all. Bottomline though....no rain, no rainbows.

The Climb

"The Climb" by Miley Cyrus was the first song I picked when I started this blog. It was popular around the time we started quite the climb ourselves. (If you haven't listened to the song recently, check it out before you read this.) Now I'm not the biggest Miley Cyrus fan, but this song really got me. With Spencer's condition and the seemingly uphill climb, I feel like I could have written the song myself. Each verse seemed to speak to a different emotion I was feeling early on. Like the verse, "Every step I'm taking, every move I make feels lost with no direction, my faith is shaken", definitely described those first few days after Spencer's diagnosis. It was hard to even put one foot in front of the other walking out of the hospital that first day. I'm a very private person, but I didn't care, couldn't care that I was walking through the Cleveland Clinic bawling like a baby. I could hardly stand or think straight, but then I looked at Spencer's sweet face. Maybe it was then and there I decided it wasn't about what was on "the other side", it was about "the climb". Knowing that climb included my precious Spence made it okay.

"The struggles I'm facin', the chances I'm takin', sometimes might knock me down, but no I'm not breaking. I may not know it, but these are the moments I'm going to remember most." And it's true every milestone Spencer has reached is so etched in my mind. Maybe because it's been the start of his "climb". He has to work a little harder than the average kid and it makes everything a little more special. And "these" moments seem to be the ones defining me and making me a better person than I would have been without them.

"There's always gonna be another mountain, I'm always gonna wanna make it move, always gonna be an uphill battle. Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose." Spencer is just a year, yet I know this may be the line that best describes things truthfully. It IS going to be an uphill battle for him, there IS always going to be another mountain and sometimes he IS going to lose. But the verse I want to define him is this "Ain't about how fast I get there, it ain't about what's waiting on the other side, it's the climb. Keep on movin', keep climbin', keep the faith. It's all about the climb." Being a mom to Spence has taught me to not always look to what's on the other side of the mountain, but to enjoy the climb. The climb is often times the best part of life. If you don't enjoy it, you might miss the beauty along the way.

Beautiful music

The other night (lame as we are) my hubby Scott and I were listening to some beautiful stringed music on PBS. Scott made a comment that struck a chord deep within me. He said, "An instrument in the hands of the right person can be a beautiful thing, but put it in the wrong hands and watch out!".

Wow did that statement make me think. Now he said it with no deep meaning behind it, but it made me instantly apply it to so many areas of my life. First of all, it made me think of my children. They are truly like instruments given to us. If we do the right things with them they too can "play beautiful music". But in the wrong hands kids have a hard time playing the right notes. When we are given our children they are a perfect, unblemished instrument. We immediately begin to "practice" out of sheer force and fear. There are plenty of off notes at first, but then we seem to hit our stride as parents. Like even the best musicians we play off key at times, but all and all we do pretty well because we have put the needed time and effort in to it.

Then, just as we have begun to master one instrument, we are often handed another. And usually not an instrument similar to what we have already played, but one that may be more difficult or need to be played in a much different way. Occasionally, we get an instrument that is easier than the one we learned to play at first and we count our blessings!!

I believe that it's our job as parents to make sure we "practice" everyday and not to slack off. Like Scott said, "an instrument in the right hands can make beautiful music". I believe anyone's hands can be the right hands. Like I've said before it's all a matter of choice. So, we have to put time and effort into our kids, even when it's tough.

I wish I could say that kids are an instrument that we as parents could master, but it seems just when we start to get good we are handed harder music! I do know one thing- though parenting kids can have plenty of off notes, the beautiful symphony we get most of the time makes it all worth it!!

Choices

Though we are still new to the game of having a "special needs" child, I've already heard a few comments pretty consistently. They all have the same theme and go something like this, "God must have chose you to be Spencer's family because he knew you could handle it" or "Spence was meant to be in your family because you're such wonderful, loving people" or "God knew what he was doing sending Spence to your family".

Now don't get me wrong the compliments are wonderful! I'm glad people think so much of my family and believe that Spencer is going to be alright just because of the enviroment we are creating for him, BUT I've noticed a little flaw in the system. Many times when I am away from home I see children with varying special needs who were "given" to moms and dads who aren't so wonderful and aren't handling the situation so hot. There are plenty of people out there who I'd like to just smack because they aren't taking care of their kids the way they ought to. Did God mess up that time? I don't think so, but I think the parents definitely are missing a wonderful opportunity.

I don't believe that God made a mistake by giving us Spencer or by giving any other family a kid who is a little more needy than the rest. But I also don't believe that God chose me because I'm some amazing, super mom. What I believe is that I wake up everyday with a choice. A choice that every other mom can choose to make too. I choose to be the mom that Spencer needs be to me. I choose to go the extra mile and make sure all of his needs are going to be taken care of whether financial, medical or emotional. I chose to put aside some of my needs to care for his. I choose to believe that God did "send" us Spencer, but not because he needed us, but because we needed him. I choose to believe that the day Spencer was created was one of God's better days.

So, thanks for the compliments, but I'm not that great, I'm just a mom who wakes up with the same choice every other mom has each day. We all have choices and we all get thrown a curve ball every now and then. I've just decided I'm going to hit that ball out of the park instead of striking out.